People weren't kidding when they said that being a parent was the most rewarding, but most difficult, thing I will ever do. The sleepless nights...I don't really even mind them. The ginormously full diapers...I can actually find humor in them.
Don't get me wrong...I am SO excited to return to work. I love my job and I love my colleagues. I miss adult conversations and lunches that don't involve me trying to eat while feeding my son a bottle. That being said, I have been half-joking about getting a discrete baby carrier and placing my son in it to take him to work. He would blend into my suit. He's a very content baby, and rarely cries. He is also highly intelligent, so he probably could develop bond arguments and recite standard sentences at request of the judge. But then EVERYBODY would want to bring their babies to work, and let's all be honest...not all babies are awesome.
All joking aside, my heart is breaking. I have spent the last nine weeks with the most wonderful little man I have ever met. A little man who I have the co-responsibility of raising. I have watched him raise his head, already try to sit up, coo, jabber and smile. I was the first person to see him smile and it was right up there with hearing him cry for the first time the moment he was born.
I'm terrified that I will miss his other firsts. I'm desperately trying to make him laugh all the time because I want to hear that first. I'm probably creeping him out, which is why he stops smiling and gives me judgment face at least a few times a day.
I secretly hope the daycare providers don't tell me if he has a first at daycare (laugh, steps, rolling over, etc).
I am also lucky that my mother and mother-in-law are going to watch him for the first two weeks until his spot at daycare opens up. That way I get over my anxiety about not being around him 24/7 before I have to deal with leaving him with "strangers".
I use the quotation marks, because we take the other two kids to that facility in the summer, so I am familiar with the main people who run the joint. That doesn't make it any easier. Although I do have a calm sense of confidence knowing that the other two have adored everybody there the last two summers.
You would think I would next type "I want to win the lottery so I can afford to quit," but oddly enough that's not the truth. I really think I'm meant to be a working mom in the sense that I work both outside AND inside the home. This doesn't make me better or worse than anybody else in this world. It's just my own personal reality.
So this next chapter of my life is coming to an end. It's been one of my favorite chapters. Right at this moment, I wish the chapter was longer, but yesterday...when I was eating lunch with my good friends/co-workers...I couldn't wait to turn the page. Ahhh...this is heartbreaking.
Now if I was a pessimist, I would end my entry right now and have a good cry about how sad it is that I won't be around my son 24/7 except for vacations and weekends. But I'm an optimist, so I have thought of all the wonderful things that will happen BECAUSE I am going back to work:
- I get to experience the "I'm so excited to see you" smile and coo that I never get...because I'm always around.
- I get to give my son the "I'm so excited to see you" smile and coo that I occassionally give him when he wakes up from a nap without bursting into tears.
- I'm off of bedrest/limited office work which means I'm back in the courtroom...where I love to be.
- My son gets to meet other babies and starts this whole socialization thing so he doesn't end up weird.
- I'm not going to lie - I've been frustrated sometimes trying to get my son to sleep, or to stop crying, so I can get some stuff done around the house. Ha ha...somebody else's turn now. (Sidenote - I'm going to miss it, though)
- I don't have to time lunch around somebody else's feeding and pooping schedule. Hopefully...I do have some co-workers who overshare. I refuse to schedule my lunches around their bathroom breaks.
So am I happy to go back to work? Absolutely!!
Am I sad to leave my son with others? Absolutely!!
Which emotion is stronger? It really depends on when you ask. Right now I wish I had more time with my son. Yesterday it was the opposite. Monday, I will probably be crying as I drive to work...but I'll be smiling when I drive home. Maybe the next day I'll be smiling on the way to work. I'm going to keep an open mind on that. I know it will get easier.
Maybe I will petition our county commissioners to start a daycare at the courthouse. That way I could easily see my son every day. Woot. Problem solved.S
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Eating: Tastefully Simple Nana's Apple Cake with Caramel Sauce. De-flippin-licious
Listening to/Watching: Detroit 1-8-7. It's good. Darn good.
Annoyed at: The fact that the United States doesn't mandate paid maternity and paternity leave for a significant portion of time like...every other first world country.
Shopping for: I am addicted to www.mamabargains.com and www.diapers.com
Sidenote of the Day: Xzibit is guest starring on Detroit 1-8-7. Fact - one of my father's favorite shows from a few years back was "Pimp My Ride". Yes...my father.
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