I just realized, when I logged on to this, that I haven’t
posted on this blog since last year.
I have unfortunately been rehashing a lot of what happened
last year. Part of me wants to
completely forget, but that shouldn’t happen.
What helps me is sharing my thoughts and feelings. So today, this blog will turn into a
journal. Some of the moments I write
about are a bit vivid, but it’s part of the process for me. This is how I felt a year ago. To give you perspective, I considered myself
a friend to both Ryan and Nick, but I wasn’t a close friend. I was in the same social circles, and enjoyed
spending time with them, but I wouldn’t be a friend they called on a weekly
basis. But we were connected. Why?
Because of who we are, and what we do. If you consider them onions, I'm probably a mid-level layer. That being said, I
miss them both terribly.
It was hard to write this out, because I went through a lot of painful memories, but it was also cleansing in a way. It is how I felt in 2011. In many ways, it's how I still feel when I think back to what happened.Last year many people asked me (and many others) "How are you doing?" My answer was usually quick and negative - "Not well. My friends were murdered." I almost immediately apologized, because the person was asking the question out of care and concern. But I couldn't answer in detail about how I was doing. I have never been so sick of crying.
So here's my long answer to the question. Here are my snapshots.
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Today is the one year anniversary of the death of my friend,
Ryan McCandless. Another friend, Nick
Armstrong, succumbed to his injuries on August 6th. Obviously, I have been thinking of their
murders a lot lately, as today’s date approaches. This last weekend, as I was going through my
thoughts (which I do when I’m stressed), I realized that I recall much of last
August in snapshots. Looking back on
each of these “snapshots,” I further realized that I can learn a lot about
these photographs in my mind.
Snapshot #1 – I was leaving work and turned on 106.3 on my
radio. While at the intersection of
Kansas City Street and 5th Street, the radio announcer asked
citizens of Rapid City not to go to the area of Maple and Anamosa due to a
shooting. They quickly updated it and
said an officer (as in one) has been shot.
My world froze. My husband was
working a patrol shift and many times ends up at the same calls as RCPD
officers. I quickly dialed Dustin’s
number and he answered after one ring.
Not letting me speak, he simply stated, “It wasn’t me. I am okay, but I
have to go. I love you. Please call my
mom and let her know I’m okay.” On my
way to EJ’s daycare, I thanked God that my husband was okay.
Snapshot #2 – As I was driving past Rapid City Regional
Hospital minutes later, I realized that even though I was saying a prayer of
thanks, I likely had a friend who did not get the same response to a frantic phone call. That I likely had a friend that was in the
first few steps of her own worst nightmare.
At that point, the news over the radio was that one officer was shot. I stopped thanking God that my husband was
okay, and started crying selfish tears.
I felt some horrible guilt that I was rejoicing in my husband’s safety
while somebody else did not have that luxury.
I called my mother-in-law after my tears stopped and let her know that
the news will be reporting an officer shooting, but that Dustin was not in
danger and was safe.
Snapshot #3 – After having picked up EJ, I was driving home
and my cell phone rang. I was in the
condo neighborhood minutes from my house.
Tracey Decker was on the other line, and she told me to pull my vehicle
over. She told me that she knew who the
victims were. Victims? But I thought there was only one! She quickly told me that Ryan McCandless was
dead, and that Tim Doyle and Nick Armstrong had been seriously injured. Oh my God…Kristi’s nightmare. I just started sobbing. I managed to drive home and I remember
looking back at my son, who at 11 months old looked so concerned over his
mother being so sad.
Snapshot #4 – I managed to get EJ in the house and remember
putting him in his high chair and giving him some cheerios. I called my mother and squeaked out, “Will
you please come over here? I don’t think
I can be a good mother right now.” I
felt so stupid for even saying that and my tears started flowing again. My mother was over at my house in minutes. She told me to take as much time as I needed.
Snapshot #5 – I got into my car and called Tessa
LaHaie. I offered to pick her up and
take her to the hospital, since I knew she wouldn’t be able to drive
herself. She agreed and I headed out to
the Valley.
Snapshot #6 – I was just getting on to Elk Vale Road and I
realized Dustin Calhoun, a good friend of Nick Armstrong, was in Virginia and
likely had no idea what was going on. I
immediately called him. He answered his
phone and in a high pitched voice asked me if I knew who had been shot. I started crying and told him Ryan had
died. I also told him that Nick had been
seriously injured, and that it didn’t look good. I told him to get home. There are many things we shouldn’t have to go
through in life, and listening to Dustin’s tears is one thing I never want to
hear again. It is one of the most vivid
memories I have in all these snapshots.
I don’t say that to draw attention to his reaction, or to make him feel
bad. That’s my reality. I had to break some horrible news to him and
I had to hear him break down. It tore my
heart up. On one hand, I am glad that he
heard the news from a friend, and not from the media. On the other hand, and this is selfish of me,
I wish I didn’t have to hear his response.
I can’t imagine hearing that your best friend may die, and being hours
away from them.
Snapshot #7 – After picking Tessa up at her house, we showed
up at Rapid City Regional Hospital. I
remember hearing the chaplains draw together a game plan on how to handle
everything. I remember Corey (the head
chaplain) asking another chaplain to go to Dispatch and offer support. I remember hugging Jason LaHaie. I remember finding out that Kristi was in
Michigan for her sister’s wedding. I
remember seeing too many grown men crying like children. I remember feeling useless. I remember sitting there watching officers,
deputies and troopers trickle in the ER waiting room.
Blank Spot – I don’t remember what happened between waiting
at the ER and ending up in the ICU waiting area on the second floor of the
hospital. I have been racking my brain
and I don’t remember anything. Did I go
straight up there? Did I get food? At what point did I go down to the Public
Safety Building? I remember that…kind
of.
Snapshot #8 – I remember waiting in the hallway with at
least 40 other law enforcement officers and their families and friends waiting
for Nick to get out of surgery. I
remember nurses rolling Nick out and into the ICU. He didn’t look like himself. I told him to keep fighting and then Janet
Hedrick hugged me. At that point, I
needed to be near my husband. I needed to hug him.
Snapshot #9 - I
remember getting home and my mother leaving around 9:00pm. My son had been asleep for a few hours. My mother asked if I wanted her to stay with
me, and I said no. I was so
exhausted. She left and about an hour
and a half later, my husband walked into the house. I just remember us both crying and crying
together. Neither of us slept well that night.
Snapshot #10 – This really was more of a string of
photographs. I was told three separate
times that Nick Armstrong had passed away.
Each time, I cried like it was the first time. After the second time, I had this
overwhelming urge to see him. I wanted
to let him know that I thought he was an amazing person. The first time I tried to visit him, I wasn’t
able to. The second time, I waited in
the hallway. I remember speaking with
his aunt about when I first met him, and how his smile was infectious. I remember telling her about being in
Calhoun’s wedding with him, and how he was nervous about speaking at the
reception. Nick’s aunt is a great
person. I don’t remember her name, but I
do remember her face. Such
kindness. I remember holding Nick’s hand
and quietly telling him about how I wanted him to prove the doctors wrong and
get better. I remember telling him that
he is an amazing officer, and the community needed him back on the streets. I remember, after being done talking to Nick,
showing his mom Kim a picture in the room of Calhoun’s wedding, and pointing
out my husband in the background. I
remember wanting to hug Kim but not doing it because everything was so
overwhelming.
Snapshot #11 – I remember being in the 3rd floor
conference room at the Public Safety Building with a large group of law
enforcement wives who wanted to do something.
Anything. With military
precision, we split into groups that would fundraise, that would cook, that
would clean and that would do what needed to be done. I am honored to still be involved with this
amazing group of women. A group whose
members made sure the officers , troopers and deputies were doing okay. A group who had members that started the
Heroes Wear Blue shirts. A group that
made sure there were blue ribbons on everything not moving between the funeral
home and the Civic Center when the funeral processions took place. One of the strongest groups of women in the
world. Period.
Snapshot #12 – Knowing I was going to the funeral home to
visit Ryan, I thought it would be nice to get some bagels for the officers
standing watch. So I went into Black
Hills Bagels. I must have looked
emotional, and the lady behind the register asked me if I was okay. I told her what I was getting, and before I
knew it, I had three dozen bagels and a bunch of cream cheese shoved into my
hands. “Come back as much as you need to
and don’t pay us a dime.” I insisted on
paying for my own bagel and cream cheese.
They accepted my money and then put it into the tip jar instead. That was the first of many moments I recall
of how amazing this community was to law enforcement in the weeks after the
shooting.
Snapshot #13 – Speaking of strong women, there isn’t
anything stronger that I have EVER witnessed than watching Kristi Johnson step
out of a vehicle and climb up onto the wagon carrying Ryan from Kansas City
Street/5th Street to the Civic Center. She looked beautiful and she simply brushed
the tears from her eyes before trying to smile.
If you know Kristi, then you know she has such an amazing smile. I couldn’t believe that she did that. I couldn’t do that. Such strength and class.
Snapshot #14 – Almost immediately after witnessing that, I
remember turning and seeing Arnie Laubach from the Public Defender’s Office
standing near me. I said hello and with
anger in his voice, Arnie simply stated, “This is such bullshit. The officers in our community treat my
clients better than I treat them. Rapid City has great officers.” I never thanked him for saying that, because I
didn’t want to start crying. Our local
law enforcement is often treated horribly, and what happened last August should
not have occurred. I have a lot of
respect for Arnie for not only showing up to support, but speaking the
truth.
Snapshot #15 – Ryan’s memorial for friends and family
brought the first smile to my face in about a week. It was an amazing time of story time and
sharing. Ryan was funny. Ryan loved Kristi a ton. Ryan loved being a law enforcement officer. Ryan was an amazing officer. Ryan also loved teasing his friends and
cracking jokes. He had such a brilliant
sense of humor. He could go toe to toe
with the best of us smart alecks.
Whenever I had to subpoena him for a motion to suppress or another
evidentiary hearing, I would wait for him to come into my office and ask which
defense attorney doesn’t know the law.
Half the time, Ryan would tell me the case before I even did
research. I miss seeing him in my
office.
Snapshot #16 – I remember being at Nick’s memorial for friends
and family and thinking that he was so much younger than Ryan, even though
there were only a few years difference between the two. While sitting at Nick’s private service, I
thought about when I met him for the first time. He was a patrol officer with the Spearfish
Police Department. He was coming down to
Rapid City and meeting up with Calhouns and I to watch some bands at the
Heritage Festival. I remember Dustin
Calhoun telling me there was a guy he wanted me to meet. Moments later, I see this cadet-looking
little kid bounding towards us. Calhoun
tried to match me up with a teenager. I
remember laughing out loud at the memorial when I thought about this, and then
having to awkwardly apologize to those around me. That same bounding, happy face came at me a
few years later, but this time in the uniform of the Rapid City Police
Department. Nick was so excited to be
back in his hometown. He truly loved our
community, and loved keeping us all safe.
His smile and his infectious personality reminded me of a Labrador
puppy. He bounded instead of walked when
he was excited. He wouldn’t say a bad
word about anybody INCLUDING people he saw day to day as a Street Crimes
Officer.
Snapshot #17 – I remember leaving Nick’s public memorial
quickly so we could get to the cemetery.
I am glad we did that. It was
overwhelming to see the number of law enforcement vehicles and officers in the
line of cars. I heard that the beginning
of the line was at the cemetery on Sheridan Lake Road before the last vehicle
left the civic center. I remember seeing
members of the community standing at attention as Nick went by. I remember seeing SCU officers wiping away
tears as they slowly rode their bikes behind the truck carrying Nick. I remember looking at the vehicles to see
which ones drove the longest. Vehicles
from agencies located in different parts of the country. Vehicles that made the drive because they
needed to be here for their fallen brothers.
Snapshot #18 – the entire week after the shootings, I
remember being terrified for my husband to go to work. I knew that saying that to him wouldn’t make
his job easier, so I kept my mouth shut.
I remember not being able to sleep one night and calling him. Once he got on the phone, I didn’t know what
to say other than “I love you.” I remember him telling me that he was okay, and
that he would see me in a few hours. I
never once mentioned that I didn’t want him working, but he knew why I called. And it wasn’t that I wanted him to stop what
he did. I just wanted to know he would
be home safe. The reality is that
officers have a safer job than farmers and roofers…but their wives don’t beg
them to stay home. It was something I
had to remind myself a lot of during those first few weeks.
Snapshot #19 – I didn’t find out until almost a week later
than my husband was at the scene very early on.
That is how much it affected him, and others that got there around the
same time. They did not want to talk
about it. But we did eventually talk
about it. We talked about his struggle that day of having to stay alert during
his job, while realizing that his friend was dying. We talked about how to go through the
grieving process while having to keep the community safe.
Snapshot #20 – About two weeks later, I was covering a
hearing in juvenile court. During the
hearing, I remember finding out the juvenile ran in the same circle as the
shooter. I remember breaking down and
feeling so unprofessional. I couldn’t
stop crying. The judge was great about
it. The Court Services Officer as
well.
There are many other things that happened last August. Some of them I kind of remember, and some I
have forgotten. These snapshots I’ve
shared are the ones that stick out the most in my memory.
So how have I changed?
Looking back at what I just typed, you would think that I spiraled
down. Last August is a month that many
of us wish could be erased. Last August
sucked. Period. But as an eternal optimist, I must always
find the silver lining. So here you go:
·
Rapid City is an amazing community. Citizens are (overall) kind, and they show
respect and support for law enforcement.
I continue to be honored to work for this community, and I am glad I
live here.
·
Nick Armstrong’s passion for organ donation has
motivated many of us to make sure we’re organ donors. He saved lives well past the time his life on
earth ended.
·
That officers, deputies and troopers continued
to perform their duties with class, regardless of who they
encountered…including people that said things in support of the shooter. How is this a silver lining? Look at how law enforcement responded in the
situation. The agencies that protect
this County are filled with amazing people.
That is a silver-lining.
·
That a scholarship in Ryan’s name will continue
to help people find the passion and education for law enforcement that Ryan had
as an officer.
·
I am an active member in the FOP Wives
Club. I love being in an organization of
women who are the foundation of the law enforcement community. Together, I believe we can do anything, and
because of this group, many things were taken care of in the weeks after the
shooting.
·
I am proud to be the wife of a law enforcement
officer, and I am proud to work with law enforcement officers.
·
Seeing the Heroes Wear Blue shirts, no matter
what day, makes my heart happy. Because
each shirt, no matter who is wearing it, is a sign of support for what my
husband does, and what many of my friends do.
I am honored to be surrounded by these amazing sheep dogs. (If you don’t
get that reference, I swear it’s a good thing J
)
The wicked man flees though no one pursues,
but the righteous are as bold as a lion – Proverbs 28:1
Stay safe out there. God Bless everybody today.
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